It is tough to be the hero who rescues the damsel in distress when neither the captive nor the capturer takes you seriously. Mind you, the whole hero thing might be a little more convincing if you weren’t wearing a purple jumpsuit with matching cap. The Phantom (Billy Zane) sets out to rescue Diana Palmer (Kristy Swanson) who has been kidnapped by Quill (James Remar) and his henchmen, err…, henchwomen. He scuttles up a bow line and leaps into the porthole only to find himself in a women’s shower. After an apology, he comes upon a trussed up Diana being stripped of her boots by Sala by a luger-toting Sala (Catherine Zeta-Jones). He disarms Sala who, instead of flinching, thrusts her tongue down his throat to check for kidney stones. Diana, now free, is asked to tie up Sala but instead decides a left cross works better. She thanks him and leads the escape off the boat. Somewhat chagrined, he convinces her to let him take over the lead and both are recaptured.

Director:  Simon Wincer Writer:  Lee Falk; Jeffrey Boam Cast:
Billy Zane -  The Phantom/Kit Walker Kristy Swanson -  Diana Palmer Treat Williams -  Xander Drax Catherine Zeta Jones -  Sala James Remar -  Quill Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa -  The Great Kabai Sengh Bill Smitrovich -  Uncle Dave Palmer Casey Siemaszko -  Morgan		David Proval -  Charlie Zephro Joseph Ragno -  Ray Zephro Samantha Eggar -  Lily Palmer Jon Tenney -  Jimmy Wells Patrick McGoohan -  Phantom’s Dad Robert Coleby -  Capt. Philip Horton Al Ruscio -  Police Commissioner Farley Leon Russom -  Mayor Krebs

There always seems to be some guy in some bar that thinks verbally abusing the female staff raises his stature amongst his compatriots. Guys like Bruno (Arthur J. Nascarella) who tells Emily (Rue DeBona) that he’ll rape he anally if he wants and thinks he’s being fresh with her. When Matt (Steven Seagal) sits down at his table and asks him to apologize, Bruno says he’d be happy to do it by not wiping his dick in her drapes. Uh oh… not what Matt thinks is sufficient.

Director:  Roel Reiné Writer:  J.D. Zeik Cast:
Steven Seagal -  Matt Bernie McInerney -  Father Joe Ashley Greenfield -  Card Player #1 John P. Gulino -  Card Player #2 Antoni Corone -  Sharp Matt Salinger -  Dealer Paul Calderon -  Blue Lance Henriksen -  The Old Man		Lydia Jordan -  Becky Mark Elliot Wilson -  Steve Arthur J. Nascarella -  Bruno Toru Ohno -  Johnny Renee Goldsberry -  Drea Rue DeBona -  Emily Lee Wong -  Mr. Ling Wass Stevens -  Tim Wheeler

I’ve been harassed by a bully. It was in high school and he might have been half my size. But he had three buddies that more than made up for his height. I got punched out, expelled because I wouldn’t squeal and spent the next few years in mortal fear that they’d do it again. So when I watched the tenured wrestling coach, Vice Principal Murney (Brad Garrett), pick on Seth (Max Thieriot) and push him around, I cringed. It prompted echoes of those school days and my subconscious wanted him squashed like a bug and humiliated publicly so he wouldn’t do it again. Thanks go to Shane Wolfe (Vin Diesel) who only had to but show him up as a coward and his boss Claire Fletcher (Lauren Graham) to outflank his need for the spotlight by putting him on stage as a nun.

Director:  Adam Shankman Writer:  Thomas Lennon; Ben Garant; Robert Ben Garant Cast:
Vin Diesel -  Shane Wolfe Lauren Graham -  Principal Claire Fletcher Faith Ford -  Julie Plummer Brittany Snow -  Zoe Plummer Max Thieriot -  Seth Plummer Chris Potter -  Capt. Bill Fawcett Carol Kane -  Helga Brad Garrett -  Vice Principal Murney		Morgan York -  Lulu Plummer Keegan Hoover -  Peter Plummer Logan Hoover -  Peter Plummer Bo Vink -  Baby Tyler Luke Vink -  Baby Tyler Tate Donovan -  Howard Plummer Scott Thompson -  Director Denis Akiyama -  Mr. Chun